Yup, I'm losing to Ohio. My good friend Melissa told me that she and her family will probably be moving back to Ohio (where she and her husband are from). Andy will probably take a job somewhere over there so that if things continue doing badly at Delphi, they won't have to go down with the ship. I always wondered if this day would come. I mean, both of their parents are still in Ohio, along with everyone they grew up with, went to college with, etc. I guess I just didn't really believe it until now.
Melissa is very different from me in some ways. Most notably, she is much more inclined to listen than to talk. It took me being friends with her for at least 2 or 3 years before I started feeling like I knew her at all. I know that even now, there's so much I don't know of her. But I thought I would have years and years to work on that. And I guess I know that our friendship won't end just because she's moving. But it will be very different and I wasn't prepared for that.
I hate it when things like this happen, because I'm usually confronted by how much I take things (relationships, health, security) for granted. I've really been working on improving in this area, but after she told me, I realized how far I still have to go.
I'm really sad.
And what's even worse than being sad is that I still feel incapable of expressing it to her. I told her I was sad, but I just don't know how to tell her how much she's meant to me all these years and how much I've learned from my friendship with her. I could maybe write and tell her, but I don't know that it would be enough, you know? I don't know if I could aptly express all the things I'll be mourning when she leaves.
She and I have gotten to a point where we can talk pretty easily about lots of personal, important things. But in all these years, I feel like we haven't gotten as close *emotionally*. I don't know why that is and I've never stopped to analyze it before. But now that she won't be here, all I can think is "I want more time." I can't even figure out...how to explain it here, where there's no one to actually speak it to, just a computer screen and little type-letters. If there was anywhere I'd expect to be able to work it out, it would be here.
Maybe it's not that I can't, maybe I just don't want. Maybe I don't want to admit that I could've tried harder. I was taking the long and easier way to get to know her. This friendship with her is the first one I've ever had to work at. She is not as expressive as most people I'm friends with, and that was hard for me to get around, especially in the beginning when I was much less secure and confident. The first year we were friends, I couldn't even tell if she liked me. However, even when it hasn't felt natural, it has so been worth it. She is such a true and loyal friend, and I never have to wonder if she's bending the truth. She tells it like it is. I guess I'm mostly regretting that I haven't taken more initiative to deepen our friendship.
At least now I know that just because a person isn't as open as I am, doesn't mean that they don't like me. I've learned that getting to know a person isn't meant to take only weeks. I've learned that even when life gets so busy I can't see a friend for awhile, she will still be my friend when I see her again.
What a disjointed thought process I have. And one that is just reeking of denial. Oh goodie, something new to work on!
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